Cookie Clicker: The Ballad of Cursor Taliriktug, Book One
by PikabluTheMute
Summary: The world has become a sad and miserable place without the presence of cookies, but one young man sets put to change that. In his journey, he is challenged by powerful enemies, personal turmoil, a strange conspiracy and the absurd physics of a story that makes almost no sense whatsoever. Will he complete his journey, or will he inadvertently fall to the dark side?


Chapter One: Prelude

Before all this crap with the cookies arose, it was just me and Chip trying to survive school. It was what you could have expected from a 2007 town, but at least we didn't have the new YouTube layout then. We lived in Barrow, Alaska and it was always freezing. Chip was in the 7th grade and I was in the 11th but that didn't matter because we attended a school that went 1th through 12th so yay for us, the impossible duo could not be separated. We were completely different in all rights though. I loved the arts, she liked sports. I was quiet, she loved talking to people. I was a smartass, she was nice. We also think that I'm adopted because I was born with bushy blonde hair like a beach bum (Although I later dyed it to a dark brown because I'm a hipster piece of shit) and she had long straight chocolate hair which she tied into a long ponytail. I was a popular kid, had a lot of friends and good grades and it all was going well until me and Wafer Amy Schultz (She goes by her middle name) started fighting. She was almost as tall as me and had bubblegum hair; it was literally made of bubblegum. I don't know what set us off, but we became enemies real fast. I think the only time we've ever been friendly is when we were forced to sit together on a field trip, but I need to talk about that later. Chip however, was always trying to make friends with Amy's little sister, Crumb. Crumb was shunned upon because in a freak baking accident when she was about two, cookies became melded into her face. There were two patches that ran across her head. I didn't mind that much and never would I say a word bad about her when me and Amy clashed, that would be so hateful that if I ever did so I would disgust myself. As far as I know, Chip was the only person she'd talk to because she was shy. Okay, the bus. Teacher tells us to sit together, easy peasy, I'm pretty skinny so I slammed myself against the window so she wouldn't shove me out of it. When we're heading back late at night, it gets cold and most everybody doesn't have a problem getting closer to each other and taking a nap, but we did. After about 30 minutes, it got really cold and I almost wanted to fling myself into her to get warm. I decided not to be Captain Rape and remain where I was when she cringed from the cold and was forced to sit right beside me resting her head on my elbow. "You know why I'm doing this, don't get the wrong idea…" She said to me. It went on until we fell asleep. When we woke up she had fallen onto my lap so we straightened out as fast as we could. She was the first to comment after she pulled her hair which was stuck everywhere because of the shaky bus. "This never happened, okay?" She said. "I agree completely." I replied. Who knows what would happen if somebody saw us together, they would freak and squeal to their friends and then we would always be suspected of leading a secret relationship.

That was the least of my problems though, you see, my grandma used to be a baker and she was teaching me how to bake and stuff and recently, I kept having nightmares about these creatures from portals and giant leeches feeding off of huge cookies. We weren't the richest family so Chip and I shared a small room in the basement. We got Charlie and the Chocolate Factory'd and had to sleep in the same bed together. (I know what you're thinking you sick pervert) It was fine, but looks like I wasn't having any women over. One day after school, I needed to take a nap so I lay down and had my eyes closed for about six seconds before Chip elbowed my gut and knocked all the air out of my lungs, and even though I love her to death, my sister can be the biggest dick in the world sometimes. After I was alive again, she was sitting on the edge of the bed with her cute little smirk she has. "What?" I asked. She sat there and twirled her fingers and said "Um...Are you feeling alright?" I sighed. She had either done something horrible or she thinks I'll judge her for it. "You can tell me and I won't care." I said. She looked at me with a worried look and said "Well you know Crumb, right?" I was worried now, what if she'd killed herself or something? "Yeah, black hair, Amy's sister. What's up with her?" I asked. Chip looked at me with wide eyes and said "I think that this bully named Bart knows something about her that we don't know and Crumb always does what he says, even if it's the most ridiculous request." I saw fear in her eyes, probably because she tried her best to be a good friend to Crumb. I knew just the person to talk to: Amy.

The next day I purposely tripped in front of Amy so we were the last ones on the bus and we would have to sit together. We got on and I took window seat which was a bad idea because she started slamming me against the wall. "Stop, I need to ask you something." I told her but when she was mad, she was mad. She began to box my arm and it hurt a lot. "Can we, like, talk like civilized people?" I asked. At this point we were kneecap to kneecap, so I started poking her. I didn't do it violently; I just started poking her arm. "What are you doing?" she asked me. I didn't stop either. This went on for a couple of minutes while she tried to ignore me until she grabbed my shirt and looked at me with the maddest eyes ever. "If you poke me one more time, I swear…" She said raising her fist. "Will you listen to me now?" I asked again. She crossed her arms and looked down. "Fine," She muttered "But it better be important." My smirk went away and I said timidly "Is, uh, your sister okay?" She raised an eyebrow at me and asked "Um, yeah, I guess. She's still depressed and everything if that's what you're talking about." I realized I should have been upfront instead of trying to beat around the bush. "Is this about Chip? And speaking of that, how the hell are you two related?" She said. "What do you mean?" I asked. "Well, you're quiet, she will tell you anything, you have I.E.D, and she is always bubbly. See where I'm going with this?" She said. I never thought we were so different because we worked so well together. "Opposites attract, I guess. Is there anything we do have in common?" I asked. "Yeah, both Chip who I wish you were more like and you, are over achievers." She said rolling her eyes. "Am I not worthy of your presence, Malady?" I asked her. "Shut up before I knock you on your little faggot ass." She said. "And I'm the one with I.E.D?" I asked her slyly. She punched me in the face, but my smile remained. I was going to get a black eye, but who cared. I was, in fact, carefree at that moment even though she was about to beat me up. She then got that questioning look in her eye and said "So why were you asking me about my sister?" My smile was gone. "Chip, uh, thinks someone's picking on her." I told her. "Naw Sherlock, part of her face is hardened cookie dough, of course people aren't going to understand-"I cut her off. "Like, as in she's gonna tell a secret about her if she doesn't do whatever he says." I informed her. Her face turned pale white. "Do you know her secret? Does Chip? Who knows it?!" She yelled franticly. "Sheesh, calm down. We don't know whatever it is, only that asshole Bart Thompson does. I didn't come here to hold it over her head." Amy began to calm down. "I have to stop him. If he tells, the whole town will want Crumb dead!" She said. "Do you; want me to like, go kick his ass or something?" I offered. "Why should I trust you?" She questioned. "Find an enemy of your enemy and you have found a friend. Bart is my enemy because my sister doesn't like him. He's your enemy because he is picking on someone you love. Come on, we don't always have to fight do we?" I asked her. She was reluctant, but finally agreed. "Alright, but don't let this fool you into believing we aren't enemies anymore. Can you fight well?" I pulled my boxing gloves out of my bookbag and grinned. Besides learning how to bake, I was an esteemed member of the boxing club downtown. "Alright, so what we know about him from numerous fights in the bathroom is that he was a slugger, and he also had been caught with porno two times at the school, so he probably is a pervert. I have a plan for you guys, if you want to hear it." Somebody behind us said. I looked over the seat and saw my nerd friend Steven sitting there. "Oh thank god it was you Stevie; you scared the crap out of me. So what do you have for us?" I said. Amy looked at him, then me and said "WaitWaitWaitWaitWaaaait…Who is this?" I laughed and said "The star spangled man with a plan. Stevie had cooked us up many of good plans and always was the most patriotic of the group. Stevie began to reveal his plan. "Alright, well Chip will need to meet Crumb at a predetermined location right beside a 90 degree wall. Bart will of course walk up and try to get Crumb to do something and someone, I guess me, will run around the wall and tell him that a pretty girl, this is where you come in Amy, is wearing some sort of undergarment. We can pass it off as a cosplay convention. I suggest painting yourself yellow and wearing one of those pokeball bras so you can pass off as a Pikachu." I knew where Stevie was going with this "Do you have your dick in your hands right now Stevie?" I asked cheerfully. "No, I'm simply being rational, no fetishes are involved. Cursor (That's me!) will hide while he stares in awe at your c-cups and when the time is right, you will jump out and threaten him. I can get some of the guys to dress up as Mario or a furry or something to help us blend in." He finished his master plan. "I'll get some of my friends to help too." Amy proposed. Stevie smiled and said "Perfect." "We can do this on what, Friday?" I continued to plan. "If all goes well, yes, that would be the best date to act on." Stevie said to us. Stevie's stop came up. "Well, I'll get everything in order and get all the guys on it. Should stay a 1v1, but if he pulls a knife or a gun I'll have someone shoot him in the leg. See you then." He got up and left. We sat in silence until I got off the bus. "Hey Cursor?" She said. "Yeah, what?" I said. "Th-Thanks for the help" I smiled and said "No problem." I knew how hard it was for her to say thanks because she usually did everything solo which is also why she didn't have a boyfriend because she rolled solo. I got off the bus, walked to my house and explained the plan to Chip. She called Crumb and asked if they could hang at Thompson Square on Friday. I texted Stevie the location and he began getting it set up. I practiced against every slugger at the boxing club until I was sure I could end it quick. Bart was about my height and size despite being a 6th grader and was known to destroy others with his amazing slugger techniques. I myself was very defensive and relied on quick hits to help me. When the day came, I was prepared. We met Stevie and the boys and gals there and got ready.

I hid in the shadows as Crumb met with Chip. One of the gals had informed Crumb of the plan and she agreed to it but wouldn't tell us her secret. She made sure Bart was tailing her and acted like she was listening to music so he didn't get all pissy with her when he called for her to turn around. She sat down and began talking about whatever when Bart walked up and said "Hey crust-face, get up. You have to help me." I saw Amy tense up and growl but Joshua, one of the boys, calmed her down and said "He'll get his in a minute." Adrian (Who was Black Mario) also added "You haven't seen Cursor box before, have you? O-ho boy, this is gonna be fun." That made me feel good but there was no time to be jolly. Stevie ran around the corner and yelled, "Holy crap, Amy Schultz is wearing a sexy Pikachu outfit around the corner!" Bart got a hard one according to Chip and said "Holy crap, really? Hold on Crusty, I'll be right back." He turned the corner and saw Amy with one leg up in the air holding her hands like she was a mouse. She winked at him and he stood drooling. Adrian nodded his head and I took my shirt off and walked over behind him and said "So you think it's funny to hold secrets over people's heads?" He turned around and said "Who the hell are you, faggot?" I pushed him and said "Leave Crumb Schultz alone or I will spill your blood all over the sidewalk!" He went in to punch me but I danced out of the way. He may have hit hard, but he was slow. I moved in and out, bobbed and weaved. I didn't even put my hands up; I just bounced and danced around him. I knew how to get in close. He released three punches and I swerved to the side and clocked him as hard as I could. He stumbled so I backed up and took an opportunity to breathe. He came back and tried to rush me and he knocked me in the side but I had gotten used to sluggers hitting me from training. I took it like a normal punch and used the time I had before he could block again to hit him in the nose. I broke his nose and he stepped back holding it with one hand. I was an honorable fighter so I didn't attack yet. He recovered and made one final push and slammed me against the fence. He wasn't playing fair anymore but I was. I pushed him off and delivered a single punch to the chest that put him on the ground. I guess he expected me to kick him when he was on the ground because when I walked up he tensed and flinched but I held my hand out and helped him get up. "No more blackmailing her, ever. If whatever her secret is gets out I won't be so kind." I told him. He stood holding his head and said "I won't ever again, I swear on my mother's grave." He walked off but stopped when he got to Crumb. "I'm sorry, I really am." He said. Then he walked off to get cleaned up. The boys left after that, then Stevie, then Amy and Crumb after she thanked us and for the first time, I saw her smile. Amy punched me in the arm and said "Thanks, but this doesn't change anything. You'd better have a good manifesto for the debate team next Friday!" Then she left. Chip looked at me and said "You found a way, like always." We walked home smiling that day. Little did I know that all these events would almost destroy the biggest event, my eternal trifle with the ones who came before and shaped this planet? This was only a prelude to the showdown of ages.


End file.
